It’s not about the towels

In a recent radio interview, I spoke with a couple about a very common topic couples argue about: household chores. This couple had been in a fight over whether their towels needed to be cleaned. Although arguments like this might seem harmless, most couples who come into counselling say they have arguments because they hold different views of how their home should be kept.

When we’re having these arguments, typically all we want is for our partner to understand where we’re coming from even if they don’t agree.

If you’re partner gets anxious when the house isn’t kept a certain way, remember when you’re arguing that they want to be heard and understood. Taking a step back from the argument to try to understand will usually help you to let go of the argument quickly. Another way to manage arguments is with affectionate physical touch. Holding hands and hugging can make a big difference for both of you when you’re agitated with each other. Physical touch helps calm your nervous system, and you will purchase xanax feel more connected to your partner so that you can let things go.

If you feel anxious when the house isn’t kept the way you like it, try not to blame your partner’s habits for your anxiousness. When you get anxious and start an argument over the towels, it’s really not about the towels. These arguments usually come from feeling like you don’t matter to your partner or your needs are not important to them.

The next time you catch yourself in an argument like this, ask yourself what’s underneath it. The cause is often that your partner isn’t giving you something that you need to feel emotionally safe. So pay close attention to how you feel when you argue. Your feelings can help you understand your unmet needs.

As you begin to understand why you feel how you feel when you argue, and what you need from your partner, you can share your needs. Sharing your needs is often one of the best ways to bring you understanding and fulfillment in your relationship.

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