Settling involves suppressing your desires, usually because you believe that what you want is unattainable. You might tell yourself that your expectations are too high, or that you don’t deserve what you want.
Settling is a sign that your partner may not be the right person for you. I’ve even had some clients admit that they settled for their partner, because they felt that most people settle anyway and it was the right thing to do.
If you think you might be settling, there are a few key signs to look for:
You’re still pining over your ex
Thinking about your ex is quite common when you’re single. But if you’re settling for your partner, you may continue to think about and regret leaving a past relationship, rather than growing closer to your partner.
When you are in a relationship that fulfills you, your mind and your heart are with your partner. Your attention and energy is focused on your current relationship even if you have an unresolved past relationship, which virtually most of us do.
If you are currently dating someone and you still think about the one that got away, it’s likely that your current relationship is not meeting your needs. Your distraction is a sign that you are unsatisfied.
Negative issues are dominant
For any relationship to be healthy, there needs to be a higher ratio of positive emotions to negative emotions. The relationship should make you feel good most of the time, even when there are issues. It should feel easy to be around your partner. If your relationship makes you feel bad most of the time, then it could be the wrong relationship for you. If it makes you feel bad some of the time, then it’s a matter of figuring out what’s causing that.
You feel like you are settling
Have you wondered if you might be settling? If you have a hunch that you’re settling – or if you are on the fence about your partner – you may not be with the right person.
Uncertainty begs the question: Is this the wrong person for you, or does your uncertainty involve a situation you need to have a conversation about to get your needs met?
Your values are incompatible
It’s common not to share all of the same interests with your partner. But when your core beliefs and values don’t align, it can make your relationship difficult. Here are a few common scenarios:
- You want to start a family, get married and have children, and your partner doesn’t
- You value a simple lifestyle and your partner values accumulating wealth
- You are religious and your partner doesn’t believe in God
If you want to feel fulfilled in your relationship, you need the basic foundation of common values. You and your partner don’t have to be the exact same person, but having common values is essential for you to feel emotionally secure and happy.
Here’s something to consider if you’re in a long-term relationship: Would you date your partner now, if you just met?
Have you grown apart? You don’t have to assume that your partner is the right person for you simply because you’ve been in the relationship for a long time. If you wouldn’t date your partner now, you’re settling.
You’re enamored by your partner’s potential
Are you in love with your partner as they are, right now, or are you in love with their potential?
When you fall in love with who someone could be, but may never be, you set yourself up for settling. Do not fall in love with someone’s potential! Fall in love with the here and now. If the here and now is not for you, then that’s your answer.