Most of us have unmet needs and insecurities. When we were kids, whether or not we had loving parents, we had needs that were not met. Whether our parents were either too busy or we were part of a big family or our parents were neglectful, each of us has some unmet emotional needs and insecurities.
Often, when we are triggered, especially while dating someone, it’s our child-self that is triggered rather than our adult-self. You might think this is weird but we actually have different parts to us. For example: one part of you may crave chocolate and the other part doesn’t want to eat chocolate because it knows that you are on a diet or watching your weight. So there are always conflicting parts of us when we are making choices in life.
One of my clients was dating someone who wasn’t texting her back. This triggered many insecurities within her causing her to blame herself for his absence. This insecure part was her five year old self that didn’t get the love that she needed and so it was triggered in present similar circumstances. I want you to realize when you’re triggered and conflicted and start to blame yourself or question yourself when you don’t get a promotion or a partner doesn’t reply, any time you feel less than, that it’s your child-self reacting to you. I want you to ask yourself “how old is this part of me?”
Then, try this exercise that I frequently do with my clients: I want you to sit down and journal. Reflect on your conversation with this five year old self of yours. As adults we feel fairly secure as we are affective in our lives. Think xanax without prescriptions about that person who everyone thinks has it together, so gorgeous and so smart. She, as an adult, may think she feels secure since she knows her intellectual adult prowess when she walks into a room and everyone recognizes that she is good enough. The insecure part is the child in her that’s constantly in the background talking to her and telling her that she is not good enough.
This is why it’s important to have a conversation with the child part of you and see what it needs. Some may be lonely, need love, feel helpless. There are parts of us that haven’t grown up yet. The only way to heal these parts of you is to figure out your unmet needs – re-parent the child.
When the child part says it wants love, the adult part needs to realize that even though it’s Saturday and you have a lot of errands to run, you choose to have a bubble bath, grab a tea and love yourself. The more you stop and provide the love you didn’t get when you were five, the neediness will heal. Then in your next relationship, when he doesn’t reply or call, you’ll be much less triggered because your inner five year old is healed or soothed.
I do these exercises in my therapy sessions with clients, wherein I guide them through a visualization where we go back into their childhood and heal traumatic experiences. This of course takes time and is not something that happens overnight. But I’m hoping this post will help you and encourage you to try to heal your own insecurities.