Decoding The High-Achiever Man



Many ladies I know are attracted to the high-achiever male. I find that if you are attracted to the kind of man that’s a high-achiever- who makes a lot of money, showers you with flowers, wines and dines you at fine restaurants, drives a luxury car- there’s a dynamic you should be aware of.

Ladies, I’m going to decode the high-achiever man.

Here’s what doesn’t work for this type of man. Women go on dates with these men and get attached because they feel he’s perfect. This type of man is typically a Type A personality, which means he is driven, which is why he’s successful. Here’s the secret to making it last with him: Don’t ask him to do things for you, at least not in the beginning.

One of my clients was dating what you would classify as a driven, successful man. He was courting her, which is something most of these men like to do – work hard to get the prize – the woman. You may have to take the backseat and allow him to put in the effort because that’s what he is comfortable doing. Once my client started putting in effort to text him and pursue a relationship, he disappeared.

Why Do High-Achievers Bolt From Romantic Pressures?

As soon as she started expecting things from him and put the pressure on him by asking him for commitments, he bolted. Even though the commitments were minor, such as spending a Sunday together or having a sleepover, he ceased to reply.

I’ve talked to high-achiever men to find out why they bolt once the romantic pressure is on. They tell me they do not want to disappoint women. They are busy with careers, routines and friends that as soon as women ask them to do what feels like an endless list of tasks and meetings, they don’t respond because they don’t want to disappoint her. These men are afraid of women’s high expectations. They don’t want to let the women down. It’s almost like you’ve set a goal or a task that he can’t achieve at the moment, so he’d rather ignore it. Even the simple request of asking him when you’ll next see him can feel like too much pressure as his life is already full of pressure and expectations.

So when he doesn’t text you back, it’s not because he’s not interested or because he doesn’t want to see you, but because it’s a task he can’t accomplish right now and he doesn’t want to fail in your eyes. So instead he does nothing, which is why you compulsively check your phone and do not see any replies.

Please remember, it’s not you, it’s him. These men – especially the higher-achiever type – never want to fail and if you ask them for too much that they can’t keep up with, it makes them feel like they are failing and they’d rather not be with you because failing is an uncomfortable feeling for them.

My Advice On Dating A High-Achiever Male

Let him pursue you! More importantly, do not ask him when you are getting together next. Let him make the plans. Let him take the lead. Sit on your hands if you have to! Do not text him and make requests at the beginning – with this type of high-achiever man.

If you put expectations on him and he can’t live up to them, he may just disappear for good.

What To Do When You Want To See Him And Can’t Text Him:

  • Keep busy
  • Message your friends instead
  • Understand that he’s not playing a game, it’s just the male brain
  • Take care of yourself – hit the gym, go to a yoga class
  • Text him little things (just not about when you’re next seeing him or a commitment)
  • Most importantly, breathe

The texts will come and the relationship will continue at a pace he’s comfortable at. It’s important that you find and understand his pace because you’re already invested in the relationship, he needs to find his way to invest without you forcing it.

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6 Responses to Decoding The High-Achiever Man

  1. Warren says:

    Hi Nicole
    I’d like to suggest 2 nuances to this.
    1) There are, essentially, two kinds of high achievers (both men and women). The first, which I think are represented in your article, are those who seek to achieve for the sake of achieving. Their identity and self-worth is wrapped in the notion of achievement. Inherent in this is externalizing the source of one’s self-esteem, namely, the opinions of others.
    There is, however, a second kind of high achiever. Those are driven by a passion, a mission, a vision, a cause. They are out to create or change something. They are dramatically less concerned with what others think of them. Their drive to make that change has a self-confidence that is authentic, mostly because the mission isn’t about them. This type of person is less likely to flee a budding relationship or to be intimidated by a romantic partner reciprocating interest. The question they pose themselves in dating is simpler: is this a person with whom I want to share these experiences or not. And do I want to share in their experiences.
    So, I think your readers may want to consider what motivates that achievement drive before necessarily adopting a single set of tactics.
    2) The other nuance is to consider the implications of the attraction to a high achiever, particularly of the second type I describe. They will keep going for that vision, even if it’s hard. People like that usually have some failures along the way. Indeed, if you speak to most super successful folks, you’ll hear a narrative of ups and downs, failures and learnings. If you’re into a partner just because of their achievement, how committed will you be during the failures? Are you willing to ride through those times? Because to that type of achiever, those failures are simply expensive educations that provide new tools to apply to the mission. They are unimpressed with fair weather lovers. So the question is, are you attracted to the achievements or to the character of the person who creates them? If the former, there is a high probability of frustration or disappointment. If the latter, you’re in for an exciting ride.

  2. smitten kitten says:

    This post was SO helpful. I think I’ve read it at least a dozen times. Any additional advice or wisdom on this topic would be greatly appreciated. The waiting is killing me!!

  3. deb says:

    hhmmm…. and I suppose if the woman is also a high achiever good luck with a relationship at all. My questions- how long do you wait for a reply? After all one could miss out on some perspective dates. And how do you react when you see him out with someone else? I am not so sure about the waiting for the next date part-I honestly think if he is interested, out of respect he would set a next date right away; Dont get me wrong but what are the expectations and why is he dating at all? How long does one wait if dating, will there be the expectation of always being last on his list? This seems very complicated and a one sided relationship where only one persons feelings are considered at the expense of the other. Maybe in casual dating without any expectations would this work.

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