My last post was all about figuring out your own needs, as well as your partner’s. In a relationship where two people seem to constantly be trying, but never getting anywhere, their unhappiness can be a result of speaking different love languages.
When you learn each other’s needs, it becomes easier to love and feel loved. Take a moment, and read my last post to discover what your love language is.
So, now that you know your love language, how do you use it?
1. Explain your love language to your partner. Be specific. For example, if your love language is words of affirmation, and you feel loved when your partner affirms his or her feelings verbally, you can say to your partner:
“One of the ways I need you to show your love for me is to tell me that you love me. Even though I know that you love me, hearing those words every day reminds me of how special our connection is. I feel completely loved and appreciated when you tell me how you feel.”
Telling your partner exactly what you need takes courage, but the rewards are so gratifying. If your relationship isn’t working, and has never changed, isn’t it time you were clear about what you want? How can your partner change their behaviour if they don’t know your expectations of them?
2. Ask your partner to take a moment and discover his or her love language. If they have trouble with this exercise, ask them to think about the issue you both argue over the most. Is it chores? Not enough time spent together? Sex or physical affection? Don’t assume that you know their love language just because you have been together for a long time. You may think you know what they want, but then why are you both unhappy?Ask what you can do to make them feel appreciated. What does your husband, wife or partner need from you to feel loved?
3. Keep your expectations in check. For example, you might specifically say to your partner, “I need more physical affection from you, like cuddling, hand holding, and back rubs.”
If it takes a while for this behaviour to start, don’t criticize, snap, or even xanax online that i can buy worse, tell your partner that you knew he or she wouldn’t do it. You will trample any gains you have made by stating your needs, because nagging and criticism certainly won’t encourage the physical affection you crave.
4. If time passes, and you feel that you are making an effort to speak your partner’s love language, but you are not receiving the same effort in return, simply be patient. The Law of Reciprocity states that relationships exist by giving and taking in equal shares. If you give and give, your partner must correct any imbalance that exist by giving back.
Don’t give up before your partner can give back, keep speaking that love language, because it is likely that the gesture will be returned. Even if you starting trying 20% more than you used to, wouldn’t it be incredible if your relationship improved by that much?
5. Seek counselling to rid yourself of built up resentment. If you have been with someone and for years have not had your needs met, it is likely that you harbour anger, hurt and disappointment. What sometimes happens is when your partner starts trying to speak your love language and meet your needs, you may have become so closed off that you are unable to enjoy or even notice their gestures.
So what if a husband finally decides one day that he will give his wife that quality time she has been longing for? Will she enjoy it? Or will she bring up all the times in the past when he has let her down? Will she praise him for spending the time with her? Or will she nag and criticize him, demanding that he give her more and more time. Unfortunately, she is not very likely to enjoy the time her husband has spent with her, due to years of hurt and frustration.
A counsellor can help couples sort through issues of resentment, guilt, and disappointment so that they can not only make changes that reignite their connection, but really notice each other’s efforts. At times, simply seeing that your partner is trying can change your relationship for the better.
Now that you have the tools to define your own needs, as well as the needs of your partner, you can use these 5 tips to have a complete relationship breakthrough!